Weightless

 

My mother's story is not an easy one to tell. It is entrenched in the weight of love and loss. Yet in her I see such beauty, strength, and capability.

 

I am witness to the magnitude of these lives before me and am reminded to be grateful, act with compassion, and never assume to understand the brevity of the things another life carries.

 

These things we each carry; emotional momentos of love and loss; can define us, both good and bad. In one moment what we carry can force us to be courageous resulting in cathartic empowerment. Yet if gone unchecked these things we carry can gain enough momentum to devour and destroy us. 

 

It is impossible to fully fathom the weight of those things my mother carries. She has felt great loss and bathed in sorrows aftermath. Today, her birthday, if there was only one gift I could give, it would be, if but for a brief moment, to carry the weight of her life. And in that moment of release and acceptance, embrace a chance to exhale.

     

Open Book

 

Our daily rhythm has changed as a new school year begins. Ninty days of summer here and gone. Stolen with it are the easy mornings where children patter around outside in their pajamas, late night star gazing, and a mission in life to do absolutely nothing. Yet, it is so wonderful to watch these young lives, the open books they are, full of empty pages waiting for them to write their stories. 

 

 

Hank 2nd Grade

 

                                Elea Kindergarten

Silence

      There are those moments as a parent when with a sudden jolt you realize things are curiously a bit too quite. You stop what you are doing and immediately go into recon mode setting out to uncover the mystery behind the household silence. Today, as I turned the corner prepared to walk out the front door on a search and recovery mission, I was startled to find our own resident mad scientist busy as could be creating a mechanical masterpiece. With brow furrowed deep in thought, to him it was of no consequence he was in his skivvies parked in front of a wide open front door.  At six he is well versed in creating a closed circuit capable of making multiple buzzers, lights, and bells simultaneously alarm. A bright bulb this middle child of mine. Now if I can only get him to test out the mechanics of that crazy little lever on the toilet when done using it.      

Fish Kiss

 

 

Bunny has this uncanny ability to make the funniest of faces. Drippy nose and all, I couldn't resist but give in to a request for a "fishy kiss".  This girl of mine is at one moment loving and syrupy sweet, the next witty beyond her years, and at times stubborn with the conviction of Charlton Heston defending his right to bear arms. Parenting a child with such turbulent mood swings is nothing less than a full on carnival ride. But, come fall our house will be quite for the first time in seven years. Bunny will start kindergarten, a milestone of independence as she embarks on her educational quest. And while PapaMiller is concerned I may have lost my marbles, it is undeniable, I will miss the chaotic whirlwind following her from room to room. Thus, I have been busy embracing these last few days with just her at home. Only four more days of school and for The Menagerie 100 Days of Summer begins.

Hawaii Day 4: Sunblocked Poolside

 

One of the most beautiful aspects of Hawaii, is Hawaiian time. While most of the tourist industry strives to meet the needs of it's customers, the locals truly hope visitors slow down and adopt a more leisurely laid- back attitude. On our drive from the airport to the condo, our taxi driver educated us on Hawaiian time.  Reminding us there is so much to do and see but really the luxury of an island vacation is to throw away the schedule and relax. So other than the two days we needed to be up to catch a shuttle, I found myself  out on the lanai reading, cup of coffee in hand, until both Monkey and Bunny were awake.   

 

While we didn't plan out each day rigorously, we arrived on the island with a "to do" wish list. We choose to stay at the Aston Waikiki Banyan because when we mapped out our wish list it truly was at the epicenter. From the Banyan everything was either within walking distance, easily accessible by city bus/trolley, or a short shuttle drive. But, regardless of where we meandered each morning we always ended up poolside by mid afternoon.

Bunny amazed us all with her growing confidence in the water. This time last year, Bunny had such a fear of the water she spent the first half of her swimming lessons actively playing out Kubler-Ross's five stages of grief.   

And Hank made his official debut as Aqua Man. He too has come a long way over the last year, finally learning how to hold his breath while underwater without engulfing half of the pool. This small skill has opened up a whole new world for him as he spends most of his time submerged. As a family of Army soldiers, with three West Point graduates within the ranks, I shutter at the thought he might be the first to attend the United States Navel Academy...wouldn't that make for an interesting Army Navy game day.

During our vacation to San Diego last year, we all succumbed to sunburn- even with what I felt was diligent sunblock applications. The sun in Hawaii is reported to be three times stronger than in Southern California. This information combined with our history in sunny climates, is enough to cause trepidation for any mother of pale skinned Norwegian Pollock's. Because it had been almost six months since Bunny and Monkey's skin had seen the light of day, they were forced to humor me during my mandatory two hour sunblock applications. PapaMiller on the other hand, who likes to bask in the sun like a human solar panel, declined stating, "I'm working on my base". Too bad his base will be covered up by long underwear until mid June when temperatures in Minnesota consistently reach that of Waikiki. 

 

When it was time to head home, our "to-do" wish was only half crossed off. As I reflect on our time spent, I do not have regrets. While it is true we did not see all of the wonderful cultural landmarks the Hawaiian Islands offer, these two laughed and giggled their way through everyday. Sitting back and watching them frolic, play, and explore the island at their own pace was priceless. In the end, I think Omar the Taxi Driver would be proud knowing we threw our schedule out the window and embraced the luxury of relaxation. 

Hawaii Day 3: Itzy Bitzy Teeny Weeny Green Polka Dot Tankini

         7/52: A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014.

You know you have become "that mother", when you go swim suit shopping and find yourself asking the prepubescent Target employee, trying to pass herself off as a sales clerk, where the non-kiddie porn bathing suits are. This year, new older hair cut and all, Bunny desperately wanted a bikini. She didn't hold back letting me know she was going to be five. I waited patiently for, "everyone else is doing it". But apparently that will come later, maybe at six. And, I can honestly say  based on my alarm at the two band aids and light day maxi pad they pass off as a swim suit these days, I am now officially classified as a prude. So using my stealth diplomatic cajoling, we walked out of the store with out a one piece, or a bikini, but a "your belly button can take a wee little peak at the sun" tankini.         

Hawaii Day 2: Welcome to the Jungle

When we told some of our friends we were going to Hawaii, their excitement was invigorating. Hawaii is a beautiful place, so dramatically different from the terrain of America's Midwest. Friends who had ventured to Hawaii themselves were eager to share their memories. These conversations only added to our excitement. Many asked us where we would be staying, we readily reported Waikiki on the island of Oahu. Suddenly the gauntlet was open and the negative remarks became overwhelming.

Initially, I began to question our decision but it was hard for me to imagine any tropical paradise as unwelcoming. As my children grow and we travel more I want them to experience a variety of places, people, and cultures. I understand and empathize with the allure a pristine secluded all inclusive resort offers. Free from trash, homelessness, and void of crime. But what does that say to my children? Homelessness doesn't stop because our entitlement enables us to shutout those things we find ugly or disparaging.

In the end the unsolicited negative commentary about Waikiki was disheartening, and I tried to only embrace the excitement of those who, like me, were simply ecstatic by the notion of a tropical vacation. 

    
After our epic flight, and a small car rental debacle, we reached our accommodations. I only needed to step out onto our lanai to realize for this urban loving family our decision to stay in Waikiki was on the mark. As I stood on the lanai to my left a beautiful ocean view, to my right a view of the Waianae Mountain Range, and directly in front of me the amazing urban jungle of Waikiki. Trifecta Perfecta!

And at the end of each day, when Monkey and Bunny were finally asleep, the sun resting from a long day of bronzing sunbathers, I would go out on the lanai and sit utterly captivated. To seal the deal, it amazed me how a city of such girth and florescent brilliance could make way for the angelic chorus of a church choir a full block away.  
    

     

Game Night

         6/52: A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014.

     Not planned and a surprising teenage reality check, the birth of my oldest son Bear is nothing short of a blessing. Before Bear came along I was a tempest, eager to sign up for any cause as long as it promoted my rebellion. And while I didn't fall into the role of mother easily, Bear's beautiful soul captivated me. I struggled as a young adult to balance my desires and the needs of this young man. I floundered as a parent on a daily basis yet his kind, laid back, gregarious nature enabled him to roll with it. The fact he survived his tumultuous childhood proves he has the strength to conquer anything.   
    The eventual break up with Bear's father left me broken hearted, hateful, and bitter. To this day I firmly believe Bear's quick wit and loving manner healed my soul. It is my nature to be cynical, condescending, and skeptical. But the lessons I have learn, and continue to learn, being Bear's mother are the influential trebuchet forcing me to become a better person. 

    When Monkey and Bunny arrived, Bear was getting ready to head off to college. Being a parent of a blended family made up of children with radical age differences is challenging. I desperately wanted Monkey and Bunny to experience the joy Bear's mere presence brings. I also wanted Bear, an only child until the age of 15, to bond with his siblings. I feared Bear would feel replaced, unwanted, or worse as if our family and it's memories before his brother and sister were born were now obsolete. But like all things, Bear has taken the entry of these two interlopers in stride. 
          To create a cohesive family, balancing the needs of the child who has grown into an adult and now living independently, and  two littles' in our home, we started a new tradition- Game Night. Needless to say Bear's attendance could not be overshadowed by even the most spectacular of guests. On game Night Monkey's impatience can be daunting. "When will he get here?", "What time is it now?", "It's six o'clock. Where is he?", etc. etc. etc. And though it is not poker night with the guys, I hope Bear does see and feel how grateful we all are he is our son and brother.  
      

Epic: Hawaii Day 1

    Travel doesn't always go as planned. Making decisions when tired, stressed, and a little bit scared can result in wrong decisions or travel failures. And while I once paced, fretting for the moment a failure would occur, I have more recently begun to openly embrace the ideology failure doesn't always have to equate to a negative outcome. Failure teaches my children to put things in perspective, take things in stride, and most importantly own their part and/or reaction to the moment.

   Our recent trip to Hawaii started out with an epic failure. During our flight from Seattle to Honolulu, a passenger had a seizure. I was one of two medical professionals on board. Together, myself and another critical care nurse, communicated and collaborated with a physician via radio providing the passenger with the best care possible. During this time, the Captain discussed emergency landing options with the FAA. It was determined the best plan was to turn back and land in Oakland. Sadly, we were just under the half way mark to Honolulu. Upon arrival, our flight was met by the Oakland Fire Department to transport the passenger to a local hospital for further care.

   Due to regulations and timing, our flight was "grounded". The airline arranged and paid for food, transportation, and overnight lodging for all 179 remaining passengers on board, not any easy feat at eleven o'clock at night. By the time we had reached our hotel it was almost two in the morning.

   Our flight the following morning was scheduled to depart at eight o'clock. Needing to return to the airport in less than six hours, tired and stressed, Papa Miller and I weighed all our options- including the insane idea of all four of us sleeping at the airport. In the end, while dragging the menagerie to and fro with little sleep was gut wrenching, it was the safest option. I mean seriously people, it's Oakland.

   Exhausted, I peeled Bunny and Monkey from their warm cocoons at five-thirty the next morning- a mere three and a half hours after falling asleep. Papa Miller and I proceeded to guide our weary eyed little ones through tears, frustration, and negotiated the prevention of full on tantrums like seasoned NATO diplomats preventing all out global warfare.  When we reached the Oakland Airport, we moved swiftly through check-in, security, and quickly found breakfast.

   It wasn't until the nurse from the previous days chaotic episode sat down to eat with us, I fully exhaled. We discussed the previous days events, coinciding career's, and family. Critical care, a common knowledge between us, opened the discussion of how bad things could have been.  A second seizure, respiratory arrest, cardiac arrest, death. While the airline had an AED and medical bag, it was limited and did not have what would have been needed to help support a more grievous scenario. 

   Many of the passengers the previous night were nothing short of a vicious mob, angered by the medical emergency causing a delay to their vacations. It was not a shining moment for humanity. While waiting for our hotel assignment, I witnessed a women traveling with her teenage daughter make aggressive and inappropriate comments to an airline spokesperson. I stepped in and asked the woman had it been her daughter who was ill would she have wanted the plane to continue on knowing there was the possibility her daughter could die. Her response was vivid enough to make Miley Cyrus blush. My first instinct was to punch her in the face, fortunately I chose a more empathetic route and simply replied, "You do know what the word die means, right? Get some perspective". I myself tried to do the same. Imagine being the guy who wakes up lying on the floor in the back of the plane, covered in your own vomit and excrement, with a bunch of strangers standing over you jabbing needles in your arm, and to top it off you find out your the reason a whole plane of people are now in Oakland not Honolulu. Your vacations is not delayed, it is now over. How about that for perspective, lady. 

 

   It took almost two hours to land in Oakland, the passenger had ample time to recover. When the Oakland paramedics assessed him he was talking but remembered nothing of the chaotic events. I can only assume most on board had little idea the plethora of medical scenarios which could have played out, and felt the emergency landing was unwarranted. But, when you work in critical care you live and breath everyone's worse case scenarios. Normal people going about their business, then bam....D.E.A.D...dead. When situations like this arise you find yourself mitigating all kinds of emotions and memories trying to prevent a bad situation worsening. Believe me when I say from experience there is often a little squiggly line, that is know to easily disappear, which separates bad and holy shit this is bad. 

In the end we arrived safely in Hawaii half a day later than planned. And while my children were tired, and a little overwhelmed, they were safe, healthy, and on vacation in paradise. We were blessed. In the days after our epic flight we all continued to focus on maintaining a view of gratitude rather than fall pray to classifying our experience as negative. We used it as a catalyst to let go of pre-written notions, ideas, and expectations and simply went with the flow. A...LO...HA.

Hawaii

        5/52: A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014.

Bunny:

As a reward for going to swimming lessons every week and trying your best, I bought you, as promised, your own "floaty", flippers, and mask. During the month of March we had been reading books about Pearl Harbor, President Obama's home island of Maui, and watched you tube videos of Polynesian fire dancers. Our up coming trip to Hawaii was not a secret, we openly discussed it as a family. But it wasn't until this moment, when you made this face, that I realized you final understood, we were going to Hawaii. 

Five Inches

        4/52 A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014.

Bunny this week you:

• Won the battle to cut your hair shorter, five inches shorter.
• Made my heart skip a beat when you asked, "Do I look older?"
• Registered for kindergarten.
• Went on a "girls only" adventure to Barbie's Dream house.
• Decided you like "unjins", but only the red kind. 

ROAR!

    3/52: A photo of my children once a week, every week in 2014.

Bunny, you never stop amazing me. You are my free spirit, courageous and defiant. Qualities found in all those women before you who have changed or are changing the world. You are a daring and willing soul, capable of staring fear in the eye and sending it packing. It amazed me how at the age of two your sheer determination to dress yourself could single handedly stop the world from rotating on its axis.

I am so enamored at your inner strength to remain true to yourself. You have always exhibited a phenomenal ability to listen to what feeds your soul- regardless of any and all efforts to persuade you otherwise. It is this part of your character I hope you always embrace.

As a mother there is a part of me which would like to bubble wrap you and protect you from the emotional and physical turmoil caused by life. I, like every mother, want to shelter you from the ache caused by experiencing devastation, betrayal, heartache, and disappointment. But to do so would also prevent you from developing a sense of perseverance not to mention potentially rob you of experiences which might bring you boundless joy. So while it is my instinct to scoop you up and shelter you, the logical part of me knows it is these tough emotional and physical battles which strengthens and aides in the development of one's character.

You see, the world is a turbulent place, and at times you will find the gravitation pull to be something you are not overwhelming.
Your character will be challenged daily by relentless attacks from the every growing globalization of social media. These attacks will be so powerful there will be days you will question yourself and your beliefs.  Every day you and your peers will battle thoughts of whether you are smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, cool enough, thin enough...the deluge will be endless. Please hear me when I say, you my wild child, have always been and always will be enough.






 


 

Treasure

 

     3/52: A picture of my children once a week, every week in 2014.

Through out the summer and fall, Monkey and I would walk the parameter of the lake. Often we would find what he began to call treasure- the remnants of battle's lost by local fisherman. Each time we were out,the game to find as much treasure as possible grew. Unfortunately, at times my lack of desire to be knee deep in muck would cause quite the heartbreak. But as mother's do in those moments of disparity, in an attempt to hold back the alligator tears, I made promises of future adventures. So after weeks of Monkey asking, and sub-arctic temperatures I determined the ice was officially safe for a "treasure hunt". Truly, one mans trash is another mans treasure.

Monkey Business

            2/52: A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014.

Monkey Man this week you amazed me by:

• your never ending sense of humor, sometimes even laughing at your own jokes
• continued to excel in school- having scored 100% on every spelling test to date,
• got a new book on snakes and read the whole thing cover to cover- I now know everything there is about Anacondas and Water Moccasins,
• melted my heart leaving secret messages for me all over the house.

Bubblicious

 

 
    2/52: A picture of my children once a week every week in 2014

Bunny, this week you:

• were home all week with a terrible cold,
• played nurse to your lovey Betty...she caught a bunny cold too,
• found great joy in making bubbles, you giggled and giggled,
• discovered you love to wear your hair in a ballerina bun,
• and asked if you could take ice skating lessons.

The Year of the Horse

To celebrate Lunar New Year 2014, The Year of the Horse, I thought I would proudly share my little Monkey's beautiful interpretation of Farnz Marc's Blue Horse 1. Unlike Bunny, Monkey is not a fan of art class or making art in general, with the exception of play-dough and mud sculptures. So believe me when I say, most often I am lucky to get a picture with a few scribbles and a three legged stick-man. Thus, I was doubly impressed by  his effort and outcome. And while I am sure he enjoyed the proverbial hugs and smooches from his adoring fan, I think it was the proud display of his work framed on my office wall which brought a smile to his face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/52: A photo of my children once a week every week in 2014.

 

Monkey: This week you

• discovered you really like to make homemade pudding
• got a perfect score on your math exam
• you impressed me by reading a whole chapter book in a day
• continue to take Aikido lessons, and love your instructor
• saw your first college wrestling match and thought it was great "their moms let them do that!"

 

52 Project

Sometime last summer I began to see more and more mom-bloggers joining a photo-journaling revolution called the 52 project. The projects author, Jodi Wilson,(www.practisingsimplicity.com),is a writer, photojournalist, and mother. I connected to her projects intent to capture the everyday, however mundane, in all it's brilliance. Every week, in 2012, she post one photo of her children. At year end she had 104 pictures- a modern memoir embracing those precious moments time seems to indiscriminately erase. Her photography’s are eloquent, vibrant, and capture the essence of motherhood. It doesn’t hurt her son Che and daughter Poet were obviously at the front of the line when they were handing out good looks.   

Therefore, while I am not usually the kind who goes about making New Year’s resolutions,(I prefer to make the resolution in the moment of inspiration), I felt today, the Lunar New Year, is a symbolic starting point to join the 52 project. I have always admired those who can illuminate life through the art of photography. To help me with this goal I have also joined an online photography class.  The time has come to stop letting my camera's auto mode dictate how I view the world.

 

 

 

 

      1/52: A photo of my children once a week every week in 2014.

Bunny, this week you:

• are on the verge of reading your favorite book Too Many Cats
• opened your first bank account $185.33 in pennies
• impressed the bank teller by signing the papers yourself
• jumped in the pool at swimming lessons, without being scared
• are obviously growing, your appetite has been ferocious

Snowy Man Day

    Today is yet another day to remind us to savor those dog days of summer. Every single one of those days, hot and sticky with popsicle juice dripping down their chubby little arms.  There is no question the blustery cold, followed by the eight inch blanket of snow is proof Jack Frost has taken up permanent residence. Now if I could only charge him rent, or at least shovel the sidewalk.

 

   And while I see these days as an excellent opportunity to hunker down with a hot cup of coffee and a good book, the wild things among me have a different plan. Here's to the optimistic view of those who see their glass always half full. Have a Snowy Man Day!

Hibernation

It would be easy to hand out excuses and say my absence from this sight has been due to a deep hibernation, but my husband pointed out today even the bears in Colorado have been spotted milling around.

As for this little monkey, cold weather is not a deterrent either. I imagine someday I will be sent a text from atop a far off mountain or polar cap letting his mother vicarious live through his exuberant desire to explore the world.